Teenager's Lament

It is currently 8:40 in the morning on Wednesday. I haven’t slept since 5:30 in the evening on Tuesday. This is my disclaimer for anything I am going to be saying in the next few minutes. I warn you. My thoughts jump.

Mom told me she wanted me to be completely honest in this. No faking. No making others happy.

But I don’t know exactly how I feel.

I know I miss Jesse.

That’s the predominant feeling I have had since I watched him drive away on Sunday. I want to cry every time I think about it. Sometimes I do.

I want desperately to be with him right now, and to see him and hold him and kiss him.

All of the lovey-dovey novels I have finished in the last three days definitely do not help ease that feeling.

This all seems like a dream. Not in the sense that “everything is coming true”, but in the sense that I keep thinking “Its about time to wake up. I have been asleep for too long.”

It I didn’t have the ocean pounding away in my ears day and night (it really makes you have to pee, which sucks ‘cause you can’t flush unless you... well, yeah), I would think I was going to wake up in my garage room, in my crappy bunk bed, and then call Jesse to tell him about this strange dream. He would say something like “That’s really weird, Baby.” And I would laugh and say, “I know.”

It is beautiful here though. I can’t deny that.

It’s the kind of place where I would love to have a vacation home. I don’t know how I am going to do here yet. I haven’t been out of the house enough.

The room I share with Kate has its own balcony. It’s upstairs in the eastern wing of the house.

None of us expected the house to be this nice. No, its more than nice. Its fucking gorgeous. (Yeah I just said fuck. I said it on national television, I will say it on the internet. Go me)

This morning, I walked outside at around six (Yeah, I said morning, and I meant it.) It was very odd to feel that the air wasn’t cold. I keep expecting to feel a sudden chill blast across my path. It never does. The air stubbornly remains at around 75°.

One of the things I am going to have the most trouble with is the lack of activity. Usually, I have a million things to do. Too many places to be, too many people to see, and too little time to do it all.

The people here don’t rush. I miss people calling me to find out why I’m not there yet. Hell, I miss people calling me.

I have absolutely no reception here. It is driving me insane.

I suppose many people would assume that I haven’t really had my new phone long enough to get an attachment to it yet, but they are very, very wrong.

I want to be able to send all the texts and call all the time. I would, if I could. Unfortunately, zero bars.

Have you gotten sick of me being the whiney teenager yet? Too bad.

I’ve got plenty more where that came from. I’m fifteen. I am totally allowed to bitch.

Of course, I will never bitch to my family. I don’t think they would really get it. None of them had any reason to stay. They will just tell me that they don’t think I did either. Or say something about how worth it this is.

Being fifteen, all of my emotions are hormone fueled and multiplied. But that just means I feel them harder. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only person in the world who has ever moved. Yeah, I’m not the only person who has ever been 4,000 miles away from her boyfriend.

Does that comfort me any?

No. Of course not.

I am going into town soon to buy a phone card and several other things that the family needs. The phone card is clearly for me.

I suppose I will write again soon, if Mom and Dad remind me. I mean, I finished my books and pretty much this is the only thing to do besides sleep and sit in the hot tub.

It is 9:15 now. I am going to go sit outside in the glaring sunlight.

Millie Baur